BoneStuck: Egbert Gets Trolled
by husky4hussie
Summary: In the not to distant future, John Egbert meets some terrible adventures... Join us on his new adventures every other day with new chapters! We are a team of two extremely talented and professional writers, so no hate.
1. Chapter 1: Reddit you doing?

Chapter 1: Reddit you doing?

John sat alone in his room, a typical Saturday evening. No notes on tumblr. No retweets on Twitter. Not even a single view on his gangdam style parody video. "Okay...what's popular these days?" John thought aloud, vigorously searching the front page of Reddit for all the hottest memes. As he scrolled he suddenly saw it. His big break.

"R/gonewild. It says it's not safe for work, but it's very safe for eggbert." John heaved as some unidentified slime dripped slowly out of his mouth as his eyes laid rest on the vast sea of womyn.

All of a sudden a knock was heard on John's door, and he quickly zipped up his jorts, in fear of having his two dimensional shlong revealed to the world. In an instant, Rose entered the room, breasts as supple as a summer's eve. "John! What the heck are you looking at?!"

"Nuffin muffin." John snorkeled. He began to feel dizzy after seeing all those perfectly shaped white circles. It's hard to draw in MS Paint. "Hey... Rose. Do you need some money cash?"

"Who don't?" Rose snapped.

"Jesus." John said as he starred deeply at thr bible on his desk. "I need to confess.."

"I did a bad thing..." John continued, "I posted pictures of you to reddit... /r/jailbait... I'm sorry...my friend said it was okay and cool." John tried to conceal what was trying to emerge from his jorts, but he couldn't control it and the semen demon was all over the room.

Rose sighed at the mess, "did you at least get reddit gold? Some mad karma bruhdizzle?" Rose seductively beant over and began to clean up the mess using John's copy of the Fault in our stars written and directed by john green.

John smacked the DVD out of her hand and began to scream, "All the reddit gold in the WORLD isn't worth soiling my Greenie-chan's work!" he jumped onto her, and her bazingas(that means boobs) bounced like cr-cr-crazy.

Rose looked deep into John's black round eyes. She had never seen him like this before. So adult. So animal. So 3-D. "J-john." John didn't respond. "D-daddy?" That's it. "What is it my sweet little princess?" John asked. "I'm ready for cummies now daddy."

John bit his lip and put on sunglasses like that one meme, and then smiled at his little Rosie. "Rosebud" he whispered into her zoink(that means vagina). He started to lick his chops and spit into it.

"DADDY NO!" Rosie yelled as his saliva burned her.

"I'm sorry little Rosie...I promise I won't do it again...I'll switch to my low velocity spit." he smiled tenderly and rubbed against her bongos(boobs) again.

"That's not the problem John," Rose pushed John off her. "I'm a-sexual."

"You're what?!" John's blue balls throbbed.

Rose took out a knife and sliced off her finger. In a matter of seconds it grew into another Rose. John couldn't believe his eyes. Rose appraoched her clone and slit her throat. Blood gushed everywhere. "W-why?!" "Fuck you cunt."

John's rumpled stilt skin(penis) started to tremble with fear as blood splattered into his loopy hole(urethra). "ROSE!? That is kind of sexy...but you are asexual, how can I create my sperms?" John frowned when a shard of glass from the window flew into his eyeball.

"DUH DUH DAHHH!" Karkat the troll entered and licked his horns with his long tongue. Karkat picked up the corpse of the Rose and threw it out the window. "Go back with your other memes!" Karkat laughed and posted a vine of the body going out the window on twitter and got more retweets than John could ever get.

"Damn you Karkat you cock tease." John said in a no-homo way. "How can you even exist in the human world we're not even online in our matrix trilogy rip-off starring keanu rieves as neo."

Karkat shrugged, "iunno." If Andrew wills it, it happens.

Rose prepared to fight. "We're tired of your tranny internet troll!" Karkat liked Shane Dawson's latest video and turned to face Rose. "Why have a kid OC when you can have a troll OC?"

Andrew Hussie overheard this and his penis came from outside and quickly blasted the room with his clear as water jizz. "That's our Andrew!" John laughed.

"Anyways, we need to kill Karkat. He STOLE my OC and my youtube video... I challenge you... TO AN EPIC RAP BATTLE! OF HOMESTUCK!" All of a sudden a rap beat started playing and John spat a verse:

"Was shoppin in the wal-mart pickin out yer drawers, big dolly parton hair like an 80s prom queen, but her ass was lookin good all up in them TROLL jeans!"

KarKat huffed, "noob please."

"I like this girl so much. She's always on my mind.

We have an awesome time. We never crossed the line .

She don't wanna mess-up the friendship.

"Friendsies"

I'm in a frenzy, 'cause my bedrooms' empty.

And I'm gently attempting to win her over by being as good as friend as I can be.

She's tempting but riddled with doubt.

Friend Zone is like the mafia. You'll never get out!

Source: "

John clenched his fist, Karkat made him the maddest! "Fine! You win! Take everything!" John scooped up his collection of MLP figures from under his bed and threw them at him. "I can't beat a beat like that... Rose...he's right...the friendzone IS like the mafia...and because you're asexual...I'll never get out." a tear rolled down his face and down his pants, cleaning up the blood splattered on him.

"What do you want from us?" Rose asked. "So mad. Very angry. Trolled hard." Karkat replied as the internet roared with laughter. Even Andrew and his giant cracked lips.

"Please come off the internet and say that to my face." John demanded.

"Bruh."

"Bruh."

"Bruh."

"Bruh."

It was serious.

Join us next week for more exciting adventures! Chapter 2: Stucky Stucky gets the Ducky


	2. Chapter 2: Stucky Stucky gets the Ducky

Chapter 2: Stucky Stucky gets the Ducky

John was all alone, smoking his last cigarette. A lightning bolt cracked behind him, and he couldn't even see it because his eyes were filled with tears. And then, out of nowhere, he had an idea. He went to his computer and typed .com. FUCK no followers.

Even with a genis url name like cummonkeyhomestuckbetweenmyvagina no one cared what he had to say. "I'm insightful!" John mashed his keyboard. "I'm important!" "I'm a cis white straight male and I am oprrsed." John browsed the male oppression tag and began to reblog like crazy.

"Women are all crazy. But I respect them!" John whispered as he reblogged a photo of a porn star sucking on a gamecube controller. "Ah. Gorgeous." John felt himself get a little tingly in the dingly(he got a boner). "Dammit I wish Andrew gave me arms so I could touch it!"

"Butternut my balls." John sighed as he signed onto his facebook. Jade likes Orea Cookies. John forze. He was very triggered by Oreos. It reminded him once of a horrible memory when he was sandwiched into between two of the trolls. "Black and white and black.." John whispered traumatically.

An anonymous troll flew by and yelled, "spare us your white tears!" and threw a book at him.

"What's this?!" John picked it up and noticed it was written by his best friend, DAVE!

"Yes John. I wrote it." Dave was behind John, and a firm object was snaggering John's back.

"Is that your wallet or are you just happy to see me?" John sang and he spun around and smooched Dave right on the kisser. "It's my penis you fucky fucker fuck." Dave could always be harsh. "Sorry Dave. Congrats on the book though. I hope they make it into amovie like they did with john green's masterpiece the fault in our stars." "That movie is shit bricks like you fucky fucker fuck."

Dave smiles, teeth brown as ever. "Check out this sick doge meme I made." he shoved his bent iPhone 6 into John's face and John noted that Dave's YouTube channel name was TheHeterosexualToast. John sighed and looked up,

"Dave I just don't get it! It's so rando and pando!" John scratched his head and Dave scoffed, smacking him in the face with a flamingo.

"Make a successful meme and I'll suck you off John." Dave spoke clearly.

"W-what? Have you gone literally bonkers Dave? Won't that complicate our friendship like it did for Ashton Kutcher in no strings attached, a delightful and light-hearted romantic comedy!?"

Dave sighed. "My anaconda don't want none unless you got memes hun."

John turned to memegenerator and pulled up overly attached girlfriend. "Leave her. Rapes you." John captioned the photo and put it up on his tumblr.

"Is that good enough for you Davido-kun?" John looked up at him with the same look bad luck brian has.

"Better luck next time fuckity fucko!" Dave punched John in the dickhole and John cried out in pleasure.

"The joke is on YOU Dave, I love when my dickhole is punched!"

Dave shrugged and stepped on John's last cigarette.

Join us next week to see the exciting third installment: Chapter 3: John goes full


	3. Chapter 3: John goes full

hapter 3: John goes full

John's phone began to vibrate like Aradia's dildo. "Damn son, this shit is da bomb son." John unlocked his phone. . And saw all his tumblr notifcations. "My text post be blowing up." But alas no followers.

As John sat in denial that his tumblr account would be good enough to put on his resume, he looked out the window and noticed it storming heavily. "Well I guess I'm stuck at home." he said, smiling. And then the radio turned on by itself, and Meghan Trainors newest hit, All about that Bass, a great song about sticking it to the skinny bitches played. "This is my jam!"

As John twerked into oblivion he realized that he infact was a skinny bitch. "Oh dear Celestia." John began to have a panic attack. Suddenly there was a knock at his door. "It better not be my dad, Tosh.O". It wasn't don't worry, we care about our readers.

"Hey John Egbert." It was Vriska. Oh shit! He forgot about their date.

"Oh shit! And the prom is tomorrow!" John peed a little bit and slung the door open, forgetting that it opened the other way and it slammed into Vriska's face. Luckily she is super strong and has womyn power so the door just melted away as it hit her.

"John Egbert you are a little bitch, you forgot our date and stayed home to masturbate!"

"I can splains!" John cried out. "No you can't, now take off your pants." Vriska's teethy vajew(vagina) began to cry out tribal sounds (she's 1/34th african). "C-can't we just rub together first. I'm sensitive. I need foreplay." "She's hungry John Egbert, don't worry it won't Eghurt."

Just when John Egbert thought that his life was over, Jade's whole body came flying out of Vriska's garbage hole(ass(butt if u are under 18)).

"John! I'm here to save you!" Jade picked him up and jumped out the window, Vriska SCREAMED and jumped out after, vagina pulsing with tribal rage.

"Jade! Thank TheAmazingAthiest you're here!" Jade smirked, "I always know when I'm needed." "Yeah.., but we need to talk. I saw that you liked Oreos on facebook." "John wtf are you talking about?" "I saw you don't lie to me Jade!" Jade opened her facebook and Oreos were not under her likes. John gasped. What. The. Fuck. Inception starring Leonardo DiCaprio.

John clenched his fist harder than he has since RWJ quit equals three(please come back ray if you are reading this, also if u are a fan too send this story to him RayWJ thank you). John looked deep into Jade's comic sans eyes and said: "I'm sorry I blamed you. You know what oreos did to me. You know it...I've been triggered for them every time I shop at Pick n Save..."

Jade snapped back, "Shop at Piggly Wiggly you fuck tard, they don't have oreos there."

"They have the watermeleon kind though, and besides they are there in spirit...they are there in spirit...". Jade rolled her eyes. "Are people gunna get pissed that Vriska was only in this chapter for like a paragraph and you're here like every chapter?"

"Like honestly Jade, just shut the fuck. I'm so tired of your crack whore mouth spewing your racist slurs like you own the place. You don't. You only have followers because you run an anime gif blog and like anyone that can watch one video on youtube can learn how to use c6 and make those and also you watch crappy garbage anime and im tired of you talking about here comes the boom starring that king of queens guy is a good movie and i dont deserve this."

The moment John mentioned Here Comes the Boom, the X-files theme began to play and wind blew everywhere. "W-what's happening?" A door to the nearby saloon opened up, and smoke was flying everywhere. A big boot stepped out, and they heard a voice say:

"You're not hardcore...Unless you live hardcore...because the legend of the rent... WAS WAY HARDCOOOOORE!" The smoke cleared and it was Jack Black, shredding an electric guitar!

"Okay. That's not canon in the Homestuck universe."

join us next week for another kuh-razy adventure

goodbye minna san


	4. Chapter 4: Hussie gets Bussie

Chapter 4: Hussie gets Bussie

It was a typical Tuesday night and John was catching up on the latest episode of Zaboomafoo. He only watched it to see Martin Kratt wearing those jeans that he likes to wear(seriously that butt). But he started to get some serious guy wood when Chris Kratt stepped into the scene. Just as he was about to bust a hard one, a damn knock on the door.

"I'm cumming." John squeaked. "Don't bother!" Gamzee smashed down the door and sat next to join John. "Okay Gamz, level with me. Who's hotter Martin or Chris." "Like idk John, change it to the animated version." "Ok." "Ok like why is Chris animated with blonde hair he's gray." "That's Martin!" "No that's Chris." "That's Martin!" "Just kiss me now you slimey fuck."

John was finally about to get some, when his slime dripped onto the couch and made a huge mess. Gamzee stood up and stomped his feet. "Fuck! John! You rat bastard, making a damn mess when I was horny."

John's boner(erect penis) was instantly deflated like a big ol balloon, and he began to sulk, checking his tumblr app on his brand new iPhone 6 plus.

Gamzee instagramed what had just happened. #mess #fuckboy #totesgaytoday #gayday #trollmestrollme . "Gamzee... how do you get people to follow your tumblr blog?" John asked sheepishly as his eyes grew into anime size. "Oh you poor poor child, the truth is that Bruce Willis is dead all along." "W-what?" Gamzee leaned close to John and whispered softly in his ear, "#spoilers".

"It's no use crying over spoiled shyamalan..." John wished he had Korra from Legend of Korra with him to waterbend his tears away. "Next thing you're gonna tell me is they got rid of Matt Smith as the Doctor on Doctor Who..." Gamzee frowned and zipped his lips(vagina) so John could live in blissful ignorance.

Gamzee sighed.

"**Seriously, homestucks?!**

SOMEONE IS SENDING HUSSIE FUCKING DEATH THREATS?! IM FUCKING DISGUSTED WITH YOU. IM NOT EVEN PROUD TO BE IN THE SAME SPECIES AS YOU FUCKS, LET ALONE THE SAME DAMN FANDOM. _**JADE IS A FICTIONAL FUCKING CHARACTER AND PROBABLY WON'T BE DEAD THAT LONG AND YOU GUYS ARE SENDING HUSSIE THE CREATOR OF YOUR FUCKING FANDOM IN THE FIRST PLACE FUCKING DEATH THREATS"**_

John looked in horror as the fourth wall was destroyed. "I just realized something!"

"What"

"I forgot but look at my new Rarity!" John pulled from the backside of his underwear, a humanized Rarity from Equestria Girls, sparkly and purple.

"Get that monster high bullshit out of my face! Real broponies know that Equestria Girls is non canon silliness!" Gamzee was pissed, and then a true brony, Dave, burst from a nearby bush.

"Dave? Only one character per chapter pls." John spoke. "Okay but I feel like this has to be addressed because I'm tired of the troll characters being misrepresented by the fandom. Okay so: Gamzee Makara fascinates me in that, unlike the relatively uniform flanderization of Eridan, he is portrayed by fans in _wildly_ different ways. He is the whimsical circus-aficionado, the crazed murderer, the mindless idiot, the loveable goofball, and even the charismatic nymphomaniac. I'm going to address the "mindless idiot" and the "crazed murderer" parts, and I would appreciate it very much if someone could please tell me _where in the world that last one came from_. This is the face of a boy who will woo all the trolls with his vast knowledge of the intricacies of romance.

Now, I can't help but wonder what accounts for these enormous differences in the fandom's perception of Gamzee? The world may never know…

Anyway, I think a fantastic way to really get the basics of a troll's personality is to look at the introduction page. Sometimes we as readers get so caught up in every new plot development that we forget that a quick and easy way to get to know the basics is to reread the intro's.

One thing I notice a lot of people forget is that Gamzee is deeply religious. It's important to remember that, though we laugh because we recognize him to be following juggalo culture, in Alternia this is_considered a legitimate faith._

Yes, that is right.

Gamzee, who constantly honks and speaks of miracles, is the troll equivalent of the bible-toting choir-boy of his group of friends.

Again, most do acknowledge his ties to the cult, but they don't realize just how deep it goes because we're too used to perceiving the juggalo culture as a silly joke. It was assumed by many that when Dave sent Gamzee the video of ICP, it was the final straw that made Gamzee break down after going so long without sopor. I think it was the other way around; he was undergoing some severe withdrawal symptoms, to be sure, but I think seeing that video wasn't just tipping the scale, by any means.

I think the video was _absolutely cataclysmic_. I think he would have been equally upset had he eaten a fresh slime pie (although how he coped with this would have been much less violent). His "beloved MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS" are two strange humans wearing baggy white clothes and looking generally ridiculous. The world of paradise and joy that he'd so been looking forward to is also presumably a myth. This isn't just a crisis of faith: this is categorical evidence provided by Dave that shows the realization of his religion in the worst possible way.

Everything he'd believed in, everything he'd built his life around, is a _giant cosmic joke._

And we all knows what happens here, so I won't bother continuing on that tangent. The point is, Gamzee's emotional investment in the juggalo culture is a lot deeper than most give him credit for. What is the nature of this emotional investment? Running the risk of sounding like some kind of pseudo-psychologist, I am going to go out on a limb and say it allll started with the daddy issues.

So, Gamzee suffers from the typical problems of isolation: His lusus is rarely around, he goes so far as to periodically leave his home and just sit on the beach with the hopes that he'll see a flash of white in the horizon… Frankly, I'm not surprised that he chose to become a juggalo. The Alternian cult (as for as we know) doesn't have a concept of hell or purgatory, and instead teaches that one day two saviors will come and create a paradise full of mirth and laughter. Such an idea would have quite the appeal to someone who doubtlessly suffers from a feeling of depression and loneliness, no?

I'm not trying to say Gamzee is secretly a tortured individual and what we don't know is that he cries himself to sleep everyday. What I'm saying is that it's important to understand the nature of his religious fanaticism, and why it shouldn't be overlooked completely by fans who are trying to understand his personality. It's not enough to say that going off sopor slime was the one that unleashed his violence, and that the video was merely a trigger. It should be acknowledged that the video was _absolutely fucking devastating_ for him.

A shooshpap later, the storm settles. For the moment.

Now, a trend I find uncomfortably commonplace is depicting Gamzee as this totally stoned, completely mindless zombie. If Eridan's the one going "wweh im desperate come have sex wwith me," Gamzee's the one going "HoNk hOnK DuDe lIkE DoUbLe rAiNbOw lOlOl hOnK," before tripping over his own feet and landing facefirst on the ground.

While I will concede that he is pretty much high as shit 87% of the entire time we saw him, that doesn't make him an idiot. Even when we're first introduced to him, he displays a relatively high level of self-awareness (you will notice that a lot of my examples are from the first few pages).

He knows that he annoys almost everyone he talks to, what with his silly quirk and his constant talk of miracles.

… And we know that he's not foolish enough to leave himself directly in harm's way. I think one of the reasons why people think Gamzee's a moron is because it's hard to take seriously someone whose default expression is:

Please, in your list of "Perceptions of Gamzee Makara," please scratch off "Guy Who Can't Spell His Own Name and Talks About How What If There's, Like, A Universe Watching Our Universe or Something."

As for Murderous Maniac Gamzee: I can understand how this came to be, and frankly, I don't think we know enough to call this perception completely inaccurate.

As others have stated better than I, when he went sober and crazy and killed off almost everyone on the meteor, he was extremely upset, suffering from sopor withdrawal, and a faith crisis of massive proportions. If what we hear about the biological differences between low- and high-bloods is true, than it is natural for Gamzee as a purple blood to be reasonably batshit insane.

Or is it?

There are two diverging theories about Gamzee's "true" personality:

**1) He Really Is A Rampaging Madman.**

The sopor was repressing his real personality, which was exactly that of the Subjugglators of his ancestral line. His true self is that of a troll with extreme contempt for the lower castes of the hemospectrum.

**2) His Real Personality is One We've Yet to See**

The period of violence was a result of extreme emotional distress. After being shooshpapped repeatedly by Karkat, Gamzee was able to overcome his inner turmoil. We have yet to see his "real" personality as a sober troll. In short:

**High Gamzee — Violent Gamzee — Sober Gamzee**

I really can't say which of these is true. Only time will tell whether Murderous!Gamzee is an accurate portrayal of him, but until then I hope fans will take into consideration the second theory; I feel that it's a fascinating speculation into his personality, and would allow for a greater depth in terms of his character.

**Anyway, here's the TL;DR:**

Gamzee is not an idiot. Please stop making him out to be one.

Gamzee (probably) isn't a crazed murderer, but if he is, it's not for any small reason. His entire world was flipped turn upside down, and all he had going for him was to rely on his most basic instincts as a purple-blooded troll. Please do not downplay his emotional rollercoaster and make him a troll version of every bland, copy-pasted serial killer we see in Hollywood horror films of today." Dave explained.

"Ok fuck you Dave," Gamzee said stabbing Dave right in the jagular.

join us next week for what we've ALL been waiting for - Chapter 5: John loses his virginity


	5. Chapter 5: John loses his virginity

Chapter 5: John loses his virginity

This is a little diddy bout John and Rose. Two American kids growin' up in the heartland. John gonna be a football star. Rose debutante backseat of John's car. Suckin' on chili dogs outside the tastee freeze. Rose's sittin' on John's lap. He's got his hand between her knees. John say, hey, Diane. Let's run off behind a shady trees. Dribble off those Bobby Brooks. Let me do what I please. Say a, oh yeah, life goes on. Long after the thrill of livin' is gone ,Say a oh yeah, life goes on. Long after the thrill of livin' is gone. They walk on.

John and Rosie went down to Georgia they were lookin' for a soul to steal, and Rose told him to shut the fuck up and they spent the night at an old motel.

"John, be honest with me, are you a pansy ass virgin fuckboy?" Rose looked at him angrily, and wiped some white stuff off her cheek.

John pouted, "I really don't like it when you drink that bottle of dragon cum lube..."

Rose threw the bottle at him, "STOP AVOIDING THE FUCKING QUESTION YOU PIXEL!"

guess we'll have to find out what happens NEXT TIME! goodbye minna san


End file.
